Managing Loss During the Holidays
by Kay Gackle, LMFT
As we enter the Holiday Season, full of family gatherings, activities and parties, we anticipate times of celebration with family and friends. For many, this can be a sweet time filled with joy and laughter, and for others of us, it can be a stark reminder of loss: Loss of a loved one, loss of a future that is now so different from we thought it would be, loss of a relationship, loss of a job - there are many types of loss.
You know what the grieving entails and heading into it all seems overwhelming.
Loss is the state or feeling of grief when deprived of someone or something of great value. And more often a loss is compounded by other losses that are related. For instance, perhaps you recently were divorced, and now this holiday season you have to navigate splitting up the children for the holidays, dealing with financial strains, being a new place, and setting up new traditions. The divorce maybe the primary loss, but, its the continual secondary losses that are also present. Or, perhaps a loved one has died, and this season you are facing all the firsts without that person. You are unsure what this time of year will look like or feel like without that loved one. Perhaps they have been gone for a few years already and you know how hard this time of year can be for you. You know what the grieving entails and heading into it all seems overwhelming. For me, I lost my mom 2 years ago. I have already been through the year of firsts, but each holiday season brings a reminder of her absence. When we eat the traditional Christmas morning breakfast, it’s a reminder that she wasn’t there to cook it this year; when my kids open their gifts, Lili (what they called my mom) isn’t there to sit with them; and Christmas Eve celebrations are hosted by my sister now instead of us gathering at my mom’s house. I know this will all happen without her again this year, and yet I will still grieve.
Grieving is hard. Heading into the season with some understanding about grief can help to manage the losses we are experiencing and better equip us to know what to do in facing it. Acknowledging the loss and self-care are ways we can do this during the holidays.
Acknowledge the loss
This might sound obvious, but it is important to acknowledge the loss, how our life has changed, and how we have changed. We acknowledge our feelings about the loss both in the present and the future. How is it affecting us today and this year? In what ways will it impact our future? Sometimes it is the unknown that can cause the most suffering during the holidays. Acknowledging all that surrounds the loss can help us manage it and face it.
Provide Self-Care
Self-care during this time is also very important. Maybe others around you have not suffered the same loss directly; or perhaps there are some that have, yet they are grieving differently. Not everyone grieves in the same way or at the same time. Since grieving is a unique experience, it is important to take the time you need to process the loss. This can look like giving yourself some time that is set aside, whether it’s 10 min or a few hours, to focus on the loss during the business of the holidays. Remember, people may not always understand our needs at those moments. That’s okay. We can have the courage to do what we need to do for our journey and offer others that same grace and space as well.
Author: Kay Gackle, LMFT.Kay is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in the State of Oklahoma and, also a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.
