Married to a Unicorn

by, Michelle Garrett, MS, LMFT

Wounds: We’ve all got them. Some people carry deeper wounds than others, but they are there. As a marriage therapist, one thing I’ve noticed over the years is that people who come in and say things like, “Our family was healthy growing up. My parents never fought and there really wasn’t any dysfunction.” These are often the most difficult because, like a unicorn, they could possibly exist, but aren’t common. Additionally, if you come from a Unicorn family, the likelihood of marrying another Unicorn, is pretty rare.

Multicultural counseling. That’s how I see marriage counseling. No two families are exactly alike, and no two people are alike: We have different personalities, different histories, different traumas, different birth order, different ways of expressing love and anger, different ways of working through conflict. The list goes on and on. As a therapist, one of my favorite things to do is understand each person’s unique story. Each story is personal and shapes how we see ourselves, our marriage, our lives, our connection to others, to our God, and to our past, present, and future.

For years, I’ve heard people actually mock the role that their childhood played in their current situations. Often, they will say things like, “Well, that was then. I want to deal with what’s going on right now.” It is EXACTLY our early history that creates the blueprint or default system that we each have in terms of understanding our value as a person, our roles in life, and our relationship-ability. Those early years teach us how to work through the hard times in life, how to show love, how to take care of ourselves and others, as well as how to relate to God. Likewise, it can also teach us how to distrust God and others. This default system is a system of neuropathways formed in the early years of learning repeated patterns of relating.

When we are in pain, or are hurting, lonely, or under stress, our default system can kick on, triggering some not so productive reactions. In these situations, we react out of pain, not objectivity. To further complicate things, in marriage, when we hurt our spouse, triggering our spouse’s default system to kick on. When our spouse is wounded their default system kicks on, and so the cycle of wounds, pain and reactions continues. These default systems can be retrained. We can learn new ways of being and find new ways to see ourselves and our spouse. I believe this is what the Bible talks about in Romans 12:2 about the “Renewing of the mind.”

In marriage, no matter how deeply blessed we are, we manage to hurt each other deeply. I believe it is due to several things: One is we have allowed the other to become so close to us that they are most likely to hit us in our most vulnerable spots. Another, is that we let our guards down when we allow others to become close to us. They see the whole of who we are. This is all a very important part of intimacy, but it is risky. Once we begin the negative cycle of hurting each other, we then begin to affirm some of our deepest wounds and fears, including, “I can’t be vulnerable with you,” or if I let people in too close they might let me down,” or “what if they reject me, or abandon me?” Here, the deep pain from past wounds becomes reactivated, and we can retreat into isolation, angry defenses, or even addictions or affairs. There are so many available options out there to hide our hurting hearts.

When we don’t address this negative cycle of wounds, we repeat past behaviors. I like to retreat and bury myself in “work.” Someone else might find their escape in sports, or overcommitment. The more we retreat, the less we address. Problems might even seem to dissipate. But, so does intimacy and connection. We then find that we can actually play on the same team, even communicate about certain aspects of being on that team, but at the end of the day we pack up our things and go home to our own personal form of retreat: Away from problems, but also, away from intimacy. This quieter cycle, the one of avoidance, actually can be the most deceptive of all. Because it can look good on the surface, but hide a hollow pain, that protects itself from healing and true intimacy.

Here is a scenario I often see: A wife who feels overwhelmed and lashes out at her husband making him feel insignificant and like he can’t do anything right. He then withdraws because he feels attacked and doesn’t like conflict. This leaves the wife to feel more alone and overwhelmed: Not important. All of this triggers old wounds for each of them. When we dig a little deeper we find that was the oldest child in a very large family and both parents worked. Leaving her alone, unequipped and overwhelmed. Sound familiar? His parents chronically fought and were very critical. He hates conflict because he never saw it done productively and learned to emotionally retreat. If we leave this alone and retreat to our corners we are left feeling like all of those old wounds are now further justified. Case in point: Our marriage is now proof that those old, false truths we believed about relationships and about ourselves are now true.

Let’s do a rewrite: Although marriage may be the arena that activates old wounds, the fact that we can trigger each other’s deepest wounds can provide an OPPORTUNITY for healing and repair of old wounds. So, here is the “how” behind the healing opportunities we have in marriage: The very fact that my spouse is so close to me and that I am so close to him has provided the perfect opportunity to shine a bright spotlight on the wounds I have brought into my own marriage. Because of that spotlight, marriage now provides the perfect arena for us to work together as well develop awareness, empathy and even healing for these wounds, that often go back well before the day we said, “I do.” I actually believe it is in the unpacking and deeper understanding of ourselves and our spouse that can provide this healing, which is an experiential form of healing. Perhaps this is why God hates divorce. Because divorce often reaffirms and solidifies the wounds from the past. It even provides an opportunity for greater pain.

This can only occur in a relationship that is safe from physical and emotional harm, though. Please hear me on this: When safety is in question, you must find help and healing. If your marriage is not safe and your partner is completely unwilling to work on these things, separation, even in the form of divorce may be the better option. Seeking professional help and talking to a trusted friend or even the authorities, is extremely important in these situations.

Ok, so back to multicultural counseling and unicorns. Each person is different, as is each marriage. It is in the deeper understanding of these unique differences that we come to know and appreciate ourselves and our spouses more deeply. Sometimes it takes hitting a difficult place in our marriage that people seek awareness and healing and, what we often find is that we begin to fall in love again, because at this new deeper level it is fresh and green. And, this can happen regardless of the mess people bring in. And believe me, sometimes the bigger mess provides an opportunity for even greater healing. When I became a counselor - I never dreamed I would fall in love with marriage counseling. I hate drama. I even avoid conflict a little. But, it is amazing to see what two willing people, submitting to the greater good, can do.

As a believer in Christ, I firmly believe that marriage is one of the greatest opportunities for us to learn to be more like Jesus. As He approached His death, carrying the Cross up that hill, scorned by multitudes, abandoned by those He loved, He carried the burden of the Cross to His death. For us. He did nothing wrong. 2,000 years later, I live and grow from His sacrificial love for me. So, if my husband hurts me, I will gladly carry the Cross for him. Because in marriage, learning to sacrificially love, and step over my woundedness to love him, forgive him for things he’s done, is an honor. He has done the same thing for me. And, let me tell you, no matter how much I know in my counseling office, I lose all objectivity when I come home. I’ve said things that have cut to the core, and he still offers to sacrificially love me and forgive me. And, my husband carries the Cross for me - for what I have done to personally hurt him. We continue to learn to do that for each other. And, because I know my husband has loved and forgiven me, I want to be a better wife. And, because Jesus has loved and forgiven me, it makes me want to be a better a follower of Christ.