Parenting Through the Unknowns

By Kristen Hatton, LPC in Training

In a year of canceled plans and upended routines, our kids need guidance more than ever. But how can we parent when we don’t know what comes next?



When my boys left school the Friday before spring break, I would not have believed they were walking out for the last time of the school year. And the kids who were graduating (like one of mine), moving, or switching schools were walking out for good. With no closure. Because it happened so fast, there were no proper goodbyes. There was no closure to the sports season or other activities many students were preparing for and looking forward to in the spring. All the hard work for nothing. For many, the very groups that provided a sense of belonging were now gone. With the forfeitures also came missed memories—with friends, in activities, experiences, rites of passage. As if all the premature endings weren’t difficult enough, our teens now face ambiguous transitions. Even teens returning to their same schools and old routines will experience adjustments. New post-COVID policies and precautions mean things won’t be the same. And with guidelines constantly changing, looming in the back of our minds is the fear of schools or activities forced to stay shut. For both us as parents and for our kids, navigating the unknowns is unsettling. As I mentioned, I had a Senior, but after only having a virtual college orientation and no real opportunity to connect with his peers, new fears pertaining to the transition have crept up for both of us. His tendency toward anxiety exacerbates my worry, but even our most laidback kids need our guidance. To this end, here are three important ways we can help our teens through the unknown of what’s next.



1. Identify Feelings



Depending on how emotionally aware your teenager is, the effects of a short-circuited Spring and uncertain Fall may be more than they realize. But perhaps you have noticed your son lacking motivation or your daughter spending more time than usual in her room. These behaviors, as well as changes in eating or sleeping habits, withdrawal from friends or activities they usually enjoy, could be pointers to buried feelings, stress, anxiety, fear, or depression. To help your teen open up and deal honestly with emotions, first imagine yourself walking into the unknown that he or she is facing. What are those fears or questions you might have? For instance, if your teen will be in a new school building, fear over finding his classes or knowing where to sit at lunch and with whom may be lurking. Or, your teen may be struggling with what the new normal will look like or worried that the fall will be a repeat of spring. After thinking through some of the possible stressors, ask probing questions to help identify the feelings and fears. You may start by saying something like, “I was thinking about what you might be feeling, not knowing what this school year will be like. I imagine all the changes feel disconcerting.” The idea is to get your teen talking. Even if what you identified is not the issue, it may draw him out so you discover what is worrying him. As a caution though, resist the urge to minimize or fix feelings. Instead, simply seek to understand and enter in. Doing so helps establish you as trustworthy and safe.



2. Dwell on the Truth



Even better than you identifying with your teen is the fact that Jesus experienced all that we do. Therefore, He “gets” us and invites us to bring our every emotion to Him. We see this in Psalms as the writers share their worry, fear, anger, sadness, and other emotions. So, encourage your teen to turn to the Scriptures to give voice to their feelings and pray through their pain. Furthermore, point your teen to Scripture to see more of who God is. Knowing His character can help reframe what your teen is going through. The Bible tells us, and science also agrees, that what we fix our minds on holds power. So together with your teen make a list of what you discover about God in his Word. For example, Psalm 34:17-20 tells us God hears and delivers us, that He is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit. Ask God by His grace to make these truths experiential realities.



3. Redirect Their Focus



As difficult a season as this is for our teens, redirecting our focus onto others can do wonders in altering our perspectives. There are plenty of people in great need. Help your teen get outside her own experience to look for ways to serve others. Another coping mechanism proven to lift spirits is engaging in a new hobby. I saw this over the summer when my sons took up fishing. The combination of being in nature and quietly waiting, was calming for their souls. One of my sons also stripped a piece of furniture. Concentrating on a task provided a great feeling of accomplishment upon completion. Finally, brainstorm practical ways to ease transitions and unknown terrain. For instance, do you know of an older student who could serve as peer mentor to answer questions? What about a Zoom meeting or small group gathering of other teens to talk about their shared fears and to see they aren’t alone? All this applies for you too, parent. These are uncharted times, but nothing is uncharted for God. He sees you. He knows you. He is with you. May we all cast our anxieties on Him and be filled with His perfect peace.



Kristen Hatton, is an LPC in Training and is a clinical team member at Transforming Life Counseling Center