Surviving The Holidays
September 6, 2018
by Caleb Scoville MS, LPC
Growing up, I never understood what was meant by the idea that Holidays could be difficult. I sort of understood the stress of siblings fighting over presents but could not fathom the notion that the holiday season could be emotionally difficult. Then, as most of us do, I suffered a loss in my life.
When you search for “surviving the holidays” on Google, the first search page comes up with many topics including “Surviving the holidays with the in-laws” “Surviving the holidays while unemployed,” “Surviving the holidays as a single parent” and “Surviving the holidays when you feel like a Grinch.”Surviving the holidays means something different to each of us. Whatever it means to you, there are general tips and ideas we can all keep in mind.
The Hallmark Channel (society) portrays the holidays in a certain light.In reality, relationships with our family members may not be intact, our troubles may be unresolved, we may never find our way back to the lost love and everything does not seemingly fall into place. The incessant messages of the “joyous holiday,” with everything comes together perfectly, can make anyone grieving, feel more alone and stressed than ever. With all the busyness during the holiday season (e.g. Halloween throughout New Years day) our grief tends to become even more disenfranchised. Cultural expectations of happiness and celebration can clash greatly with any notion of mourning during this time of year.
It is normal though to move back and fourth between being present with loved ones in celebration and having intense sorrow for the way things were.
Below are some tips for dealing with difficulties during the Holidays:
- Breathe deeply:
"Just breathe" advice is given so often, that it’s overlooked or taken with resentment. However, it can be very beneficial because many of us can find ourselves holding our breath during stressful times. Make a point of focusing on purposeful, slow, deep breathing.This will bring more oxygen to your body, lowering your heart rate and blood pressure, ensuring a sense of calm during times of stress.If you just cannot seem to calm yourself via breathing, give yourself something to do. Our brains are not built to ruminate over loss and stay busy at the same time (e.g. wrapping presents, decorating, cooking, etc.) This is a good
short-term solution
to keep from dwelling and hopefully assist you in joining social activities.
- Do not be afraid to talk about stressors.
It does not even need to be about the specific main stressor (death, illness, divorce, etc.). Sometimes talking about all our thoughts brings a sense of relief. If you are grieving a death, openly talking about your loved one is a great way to find meaning in the holiday and honor their memory. It can bring people together and eases your pain.
- Connect with family and friends.
Most people in our lives want to help, but often are unsure how to do that.Despite good intentions, as a society, we are unsure how to handle grief. You will more than likely have people say, "I’m so sorry" so often that this phrase loses its meaning. So do not be afraid to spell out to your listener(s) exactly what you need. "Hey I need a break, can we go get some coffee and talk?” “I just do not have the energy tonight, can we go get dinner?”“Can you just sit with me and let me share what I’ve been feeling lately?” “Please, help me with my Tree/decorations/cleaning!” Or maybe, you just need a hug for some extra encouragement to get through your day. Specific requests are good and people generally respond enthusiastically to them.
- If necessary, find a counselor.
According to the Grief Recovery Institute, grieving alone as a best policy is the top grieving misconception. If you do not have anyone to talk to, find a therapist or group therapy session. You will get a safe space to share your thoughts, feelings and memories. Being open and honest with others, being vulnerable, can be healing. Similarly, let yourself experience all of your emotions and anticipate grief bursts. Accept the rise and fall of your feelings without shame or self-judgment.
Thanksgiving has come and gone, but we can continue that practice of being thankful. We can certainly be thankful for the big things in our lives because those may be easy to notice. Try incorporating some mindfulness and gratefulness into your day for all things. Notice the weather and what you like about it, enjoy that warm cup of coffee in the quiet of the morning and savor your children’s smile while they enjoy their gifts.
Social worker, researcher, and author Brene Brown is quoted as saying
“ I don’t have to chase extraordinary moments to find happiness-it’s right in front of me if I’m paying attention and practicing gratitude.” - Do not let guilt get in the way.
It is not a betrayal of your feelings or marginalizing the loss you have experienced to enjoy the events of the holiday season.So do not shy away from joy, laughter or happy moments these are great ways of healing and creating new traditions.
Following a significant change in family dynamics, the holidays, life for that matter, will never be the same. But, we can find ways of creating new traditions, making meaningful memories and a meaningful life. Holidays can be something we can look forward to again.
Chaplain and grief specialist Gary Roe says this about grief:"Our grief is deeply personal. Our loss is unique because our loved ones were one-of-a-kind. Our relationships were special. Others can relate and perhaps empathize, but our hearts and our grief are our own – ours alone.
Special. Lonely. A contradiction of love.
This season, we live the contradiction. We grieve because we love. Love endures. It always will.
We speak their names. We tell their stories. We live their legacies. We remember and honor them.
We will live, and be difference-makers that they would be proud of.
We will give thanks.”
The Reference section below has some great resources for you, as well.
References/Resources
http://www.griefhealing.com/coping-with-holidays-articles.htm
https://www.garyroe.com/2017/11/13/when-grief-and-holidays-collide/
http://leftbrainbuddha.com/10-ways-ban-busy-still-get-stuff-done/
Author: Caleb Scoville
, MA, LPC
, is a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.
2025 has been another year filled with joy, growth, and meaningful service as Transforming Life Counseling Center continues its mission to support the mental health needs of our community. With a dedicated team of 19 therapists, TLCC is honored to walk alongside individuals and families facing a wide variety of challenges. We count it a true blessing to be trusted with your care and to play a role in strengthening the well-being of our community. As we reflect on this year, our hearts are full of gratitude—for your support, your courage, and the opportunity to make a difference together. From all of us at TLCC, we wish you a very Merry Christmas and a joyful, peaceful holiday season. May the coming year bring hope, healing, and continued connection.
We want to extend our heartfelt congratulations to one of our esteemed therapists, Caleb Scoville, MS, LPC . On Thursday, November 13th, the Hough Ear Institute (HEI) held its annual Awards Gala, where Caleb was honored with the Elevate Award for his outstanding collaboration with HEI and his dedicated facilitation of the Tinnitus Support Group over the past two years. Transforming Life Counseling Center is grateful for our continued partnership with the Hough Ear Institute. We are honored to provide a home for the Tinnitus Support Group throughout 2025 and look forward to supporting this meaningful work in the coming year. The group offers both in-person and virtual options, expanding access to individuals across the country. TLCC sincerely thanks the Hough Ear Institute—not only have we been privileged to help facilitate this group, but we have also been deeply blessed by the connections formed and the resilience of the individuals we have met through it. The Hough Ear Institute , located in Oklahoma City, is responsible for groundbreaking research, education, and humanitarian efforts in the field of hearing and overall wellness. Our metro community is truly fortunate to have such innovative and life-changing work happening right here at home. One key area of HEI’s research is the management and treatment of tinnitus. Individuals living with tinnitus often experience cognitive, emotional, and behavioral challenges, including persistent ringing or buzzing in one or both ears. These symptoms can lead to significant distress, anxiety, and depression, especially when combined with life stressors, underlying medical conditions, or repeated exposure to loud noise. For the past two years, HEI has hosted a Tinnitus Support Group, providing a compassionate space for those affected to gather, share experiences, and uplift one another. We are honored to continue supporting this vital resource. For more information—or to donate to this worthy and life-changing cause—please visit Hough Ear Institute . To join or share details about the Tinnitus Support Group, visit Tinnitus Support Group or call (405) 246-5433 for more information.
By Corey DeGiacomo, LMFT-Candidate
By Kevin Tutty, LPC If you have children, you know how easy it is to find Christmas centered around your kids. When I was single, I wondered why everyone became so busy this time of year. In a self-indulged world, marketing is designed to focus us on ourselves: It can be hard to focus on others. It wasn’t until I had a family that saw just how busy this time of year is! The Holidays are also a time of year when depression rises. I heard a pastor once say if you don’t want to feel a certain way, do something to take your mind off of how you are feeling. One great way to do this is to look for opportunities to help someone in need. For example, if you feel isolated, volunteer at a church, food bank, or other entity that helps others. This time of year is an excellent time to volunteer, as there is a greater need for volunteers in the non-profits that serve the people in our community. It is also a great way for a family to engage in a fun activity together, while helping those in need. I am convinced that once “the volunteer bug” gets someone, they will not need a reason to help others, as they will want to find opportunities to do that. This happened to me on a mission trip once and I wanted to return to the mission field the next chance I had to go. We are blessed by giving to others. When giving to those in need there is a distinction between two easily misinterpreted terms: sympathy and empathy. Sympathy is more self-focused: We get this feeling when we “feel” badly for someone in a difficult situation. On the other hand, we feel empathy when we are able to put ourselves in another’s place and see things from their perspective. When we empathize with another, our efforts are focused on the other person. The other person is validated because we are looking at things from their point of view, and understand their person’s situation or perspective. Volunteering is a great way to develop empathy, especially for those who are focused on their own wants and desires. Back to volunteering though, be prepared to get some resistance initially when proposing the idea of volunteering, especially if your kids are not used to it. Once you go, try to make it as fun as possible, scheduling a fun activity the family can engage in together along with the volunteer effort. Then, process the volunteer effort over dinner and see what other types of volunteering would be of interest to them next. There are a number of local agencies that would be good opportunities to volunteer. Here are just a few to get started: Regional Food Bank (12 and older): 405-972-11111 EARC Thrift Store (Downtown Edmond): 405-285-7658 (South Edmond): 405-348-6502 Hope Center (Edmond): 405-348-4680 Local churches can connect you to volunteer opportunities The City Rescue Mission in Downtown Oklahoma City (405-232-2709) offers groups a great opportunity to get a tour of the facility as well as serving the homeless. The Christmas and Holiday Season is such a fun time, with many activities and opportunities to serve others. We are truly more blessed when we are serving others! Kevin Tutty is a Licensed Practical Counselor and a clinical member at Transforming Life Counseling Center.
By Caleb Scoville, LPC
Transforming Life Counseling Center is pleased to continue to expand our team of quality therapists with the addition of a new team member. We welcome our newest member: Necco Gill, Licensed Professional Counselor. This therapist supports TLCC in continuing to support the vast counseling needs of our community and brings new areas of training. For more information on her expertise and training, you can find her bio below and on our website. In addition to our licensed staff, TLCC also has pre-licensed candidates who receive supervision by our therapists and can offer lower fees in an effort to support clients needing therapy at a lower cost. For more information about our therapists, insurances we take and fees, our phone number is (405) 246-5433 Necco Gill, LPC