Trust
By Dr. Pamela Forducey, Ph.D. ABRP
A group of amazing and resilient women have been meeting at TLCC for several years exploring how to have healthy relationships with others who are struggling with addiction and/or mental illness. We have covered the workbook, Spiritual Journey to the 12 steps, which took us several years to complete meeting twice a month. This year, we reviewed several book topics to determine what we would cover in 2024. The group picked Dr. Henry Cloud’s TRUST Knowing When to Give It, How to Earn It, and How to Fix It when It Gets Broken in Life and Business. Trust is the fuel for all life relationships, from personal to professional ones. Dr. Cloud tells us that God created us to trust from a biological, neurological, emotional, and spiritual perspective. Our brains crave to be connected with other humans from birth through the end of our lives. God gave us a love hormone, oxytocin, which helps us bond and promotes trust and healthy attachments. Often, our family of origin, early life experiences, and adverse life events may impact how we learn to trust or not trust as adults.
Dr. Cloud outlines five essentials of trust below to consider when evaluating relationships.
You can trust someone when:
- Understanding – You feel your needs are understood, felt, and cared about.
- Motive –You feel the person’s motive is for you, not just for themselves.
- Ability - You feel the person has the ability or capacity to guard and deliver results for what you have entrusted to them.
You can trust someone who:
- Character –The person has the character or personal makeup needed for what you entrust them with.
- Track Record –The person has a track record of performing in the ways you need them to perform.
There is no doubt that the quality of our life depends on the quality of our attachments and relationships. Some are more superficial and casual whereas others are more intimate. Our goal for this group is to develop relationships with those who we can totally be vulnerable with and who will love us despite our flaws and shortcomings. These people show us grace and walk through life with us and grow with us. They cry with us and laugh with us.
When I attended the Celebrate Recovery Summit Leadership Meeting at Saddleback Church in California a few years ago, Dr. John Townsend (who wrote the popular book Boundaries with Dr. Cloud) was one of the keynote speakers and shared information on various types of relationships from his book, People Fuel. I wanted to close with a few thoughts from his presentation regarding the topic of trust.
Ask yourself the following questions:
- Who do I bring close to me? What evidence do I have that this person is trustworthy?
- Who do I limit access to? What behaviors have this person displayed that are ‘red flags’ that I need to limit access? How do I begin to limit access?
- Who do I end access to? Are there some unhealthy or even toxic relationships that I need to consider ending contact with? How shall I do so in a manner that allows me to respect them but also to honor my personal boundaries?
“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.” Proverbs 4:23
This article was written by Dr. Pamela Forducey, Ph.D. ABRP. Dr. Forducey is clinical member of our Staff at Transforming Life Counseling Center.
